i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
