I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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