He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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