Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
