Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
