omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
