I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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