I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
