i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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