someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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