im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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