just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
