I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you will always have a special place in my vag
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
