the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
