I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
