Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
