I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
