Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I AM VODKA MAN
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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