I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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