I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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