Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
