have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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