If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
