so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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