i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I need to stop coming to work sober
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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