ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
