Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
