Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
