She's JV to your varsity
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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