I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
