How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
