I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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