At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
