She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't turn off my feet"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
