I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
