Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
