I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
