My boss' voice literally gives me gas
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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