I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
