I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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