Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
