Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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