a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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