goodnight i made you a song goodbye
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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