Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
