If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
