I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
