just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
