I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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