im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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